A Grad I Am

Student 
I am a grad,
a grad I am. 

Advisor 
That grad I am, that grad I am, 
he's not too bright that grad I am. 

Student 
Can I pass my prelim exam? 

Advisor 
You cannot pass your prelim exam. 
You cannot pass it, grad I am. 

Student 
Can I pass it with a talk?
Writing with a piece of chalk?

[waves chalk and bunch of papers] 

Advisor 
You cannot pass it with a talk
while writing with a piece of chalk.
You cannot pass your prelim exam.
You cannot pass it, grad I am. 

Student 
Can I pass it with a paper?
Would that be a successful caper?

[waves paper] 

Advisor 
No, you cannot with a paper.
What an idiotic caper!
You cannot pass it with a talk,
not even with a box of chalk!
You cannot pass your prelim exam.
You cannot pass it, grad I am! 

Student 
What about a sit-down test?

[sits down in chair]

Do you think that would be best? 

Advisor 
You cannot take a sit-down test.
Don't even try -- give it a rest. 

Student 
If I work eight days a week?
Pausing just to take a leak? 

Advisor 
Eight days a week? You lazy freak!
No sit-down test, you stupid pest!
Not with a paper -- what a lame-ass caper!
Not with a talk. Not with some chalk!
You will not pass your prelim exam!
You will not pass it, grad I am! 

Student 
May I, may I, sometime soon?
Before we colonize the moon? 

Advisor 
No you may not sometime soon.
Why must you be such a loon? 

Student 
Would I, could I, on the quad? 

Advisor 
No you can't, you silly clod!
Not sometime soon! Not on the moon!
No sit-down test, you stupid pest!
Not with a paper -- a lame-ass caper!
Not with a talk. Not with some chalk!
You will not pass your prelim exam!
You will not pass it, grad I am! 

Student 
But I can measure with a ruler.
[walks across with Heisenberg ruler]
And I've got a well-stocked cooler.

[gestures towards beer cooler] 

Advisor 
I care not for your silly ruler,
and that's Pabst Blue Ribbon in your cooler.

Student 
What if I found the particle mu
dancing around in a pink tutu?

[gestures towards "mu in tutu", who dances in] 

Advisor 
This guy's dancing stinks! P-U! Is that the best that you can do?

[pushes "mu in tutu" away, and "mu in tutu" dances off stage]

Not with a ruler. Not with a cooler.
Not on the quad, like Oh My Gawd!
No sit-down test, give it a rest.
Not with a paper -- your mind's a vapor.
Not with a talk, now take a walk!
You will not pass your prelim exam!
You will not pass it, grad I am! 

Student 
Can I pass it with some cash?
A good amount -- a whole month's stash!
[pulls out $1 bill]

Advisor 
[scratches chin]
... OK!

[After applause, "mu in tutu" and Advisor exit stage]

Student 
While Clark, Amy, and I sat around fighting,
Micheal A. Marsh did most all of the writing. 

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Performed on 1997/12/11 at The Physical Revue D by Amy Oldenburg as The Advisor and Brynnen Owen as Grad I Am.
Written by Micheal A. Marsh. 

Special appearance by Clark Wagner as the particle "mu in tutu". 

Based upon the work "Green Eggs and Ham" by Dr. Seuss.